I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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