life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
