Dude my mom stole all your condoms
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
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you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
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It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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