y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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