Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
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what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
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I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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