remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
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im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
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im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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