he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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