Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
