I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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