i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
