News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Pooping to opera.
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