Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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