Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
