these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
