Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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