Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
