Ambien. No doubt about it.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
