dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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