I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
