i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
