if you like me you must not know who I am
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
