Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
