Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
