Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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