They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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