I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize