Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
you never un-have a 4some
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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