umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
