Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
