my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
