god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
