This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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