One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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