you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
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You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
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They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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