"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
