i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
