Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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