Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
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we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
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Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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