i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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