i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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