I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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