my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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