My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
