My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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