The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
