saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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