I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
