I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
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I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
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Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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