I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
