Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
