Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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