I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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