Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
