Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
