so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
