i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
